In Which I Answer Foster Care Q&A (Part One)

Hello, friends! Today I'm slowly beginning to answer your questions on foster care that you asked in the survey! The survey will still be open, as I have many questions to answer and this is only the first post, but it will be closing soon. Please fill it out here to ask any foster-care related questions that spark your curiosity!

If I have not included your question, it is either because a) I have not gotten to it yet and will be answering it in a future post, or b) there was another question very similar to what you asked, and so for the sake of simplicity, I have combined the two.

**Please note that I'll be discussing some weighty topics here. This is not an easy genre we're delving into. There will be mentions of neglect, abuse, drugs, jail time, and, obviously, of children being taken from their parents. None of these things are at all discussed in detail (excepting the last), but if you feel triggered by any of these issues, read with caution.**

The questions will be in bold, answers in regular font. All questions will be anonymous except for those who purposely signed their names in the form. :D

I'm wondering how you got into this realm of foster care? Could you share some details on it, and maybe some on your personal journey? And also, I'm not that familiar with the system. Could you tell me how it works? --Adele

Thank you for asking such lovely questions, Adele! You're right, there are a lot of things that we could do to help foster kids, and so it's worthwhile noting that there are differences. My parents had always felt called to have more children. For a while, we did Safe Families, a program that allowed parents to temporarily house their kids with us so that they could get back on their feet (this would often happen in the case of hospitalization, homelessness, drug addiction, jail, or job loss). We were never looking to adopt through Safe Families, because it wasn't an adoptive program. It was a way to help children without going deeper into the state system.

But when we moved to Michigan, there was simply no Safe Families in our area, and so we got licensed for foster care in 2019. We could only take in boys because of our housing situation (there was only room in my brother's room) and we were only licensed for babies, although we knew we might get calls for older children. What's more, we were licensed for one child. In Sep. 2019, we had an almost-two-year-old boy for three weeks. In Feb. 2020, we had an eight-month-old boy for two months. Both these children returned to their parents.

In October 2020, we received a call for two baby boys. One was eleven months, the other just a newborn. So Z and H were welcomed into our home. Right now, I hear them on the monitor: they are still here with us, and if all goes according to plan, we'll be able to adopt them within the next year. Praise the Lord!

So that's my personal journey in a nutshell. As for how the state system works...*takes deep breath* this should be another long paragraph. When a child is being abused or neglected, the state removes the child from their home, for their own safety. Right away, DHHS (Department of Health and Human Services where we live) begins calling to find out if there's a family member who is suitable and willing to take the child in. All these family members need to do right away is have a background check run, and probably fill out some paperwork later. If there's no family member that's available, then DHHS will begin calling their licensed foster families who are open. They try never to split children up from their siblings. Whenever there's someone ready to take the child(ren), they will place them with that family and give them the information that they have. Often, the child is kept in care until their parents have done what they need to do to get them back, or another family member is alright to take them in. After the children return home, the case will stay open for a while to ensure the children are safe. If the family is not doing what they need to do, after an extended period of time and many extra chances are given to the parents, the parental rights will be terminated, and the adoption process for the children into their family member's or foster family's homes will start. This is where we are in the process right now with Z and H; we have a parental right termination hearing on the 22nd of this month.

What about the emotional side of things? How do you feel about fostering—the whole process, from beginning to end?

Fostering is a rough journey, for sure. Emotionally it's a rollercoaster. In the beginning when a child first comes to you, it's hard not knowing what this precious child has been through and not being able to help enough. It's hard knowing what they've been through, knowing that there's so much trauma there that won't go away just because they're now safe. One of my foster brothers has some really hard behavioral issues, and it's heartbreaking, because normally he's such a beautiful, calm, observant little boy. Then he has days where he gets anxious, nervous, and clingy, and won't be consoled. We don't know the trauma he went through in his first eleven months of life, and that short time period does so much to a child's brain.

Then there's the leaving process. It's devastating to see a child leave you, especially when you don't know if they're going back to somewhere dangerous. Three weeks with a little one does wonders to your heart, and although it seems like a short period of time, it hurts. It's not something I can explain in words. All I can say is that there's more pain here than meets the eye. Friends, don't underestimate it. I will always remember my former foster brothers, and my friends whose families have done foster care have said the same.

Do you plan to foster when you grow up?

This is something I've thought a lot about, but my final say is that I'm leaving it up to God. I don't know where life will take me. I want a family one day, but God doesn't always give us what we think is best. I can certainly see myself doing foster care in the future if that is what God wants for me. If God asks me to, I believe that I will heartily say yes.

On the other hand, it's hard to say how it will affect me in the future. It's hard to say now what I might feel differently about later, especially because I don't know where these next few months will take us in our foster care journey. Maybe I'd feel more called to adopt overseas than to do foster care, or help children in a different way. Whatever the Lord has for me. :)

What forms of discipline can you use and how do you employ those? -A.M.

This is a good question. I'm not certain about the exact regulations regarding this, but I do know that no form of physical discipline is acceptable (hitting, spankings, etc.). My family would choose not to use these forms of discipline anyways, of course, but they are forbidden by the state. For Z and H, we use timeouts a lot as discipline, but rather as "time-ins," holding them on our laps instead of sending them away. We think this is important for children who have been neglected like Z and H have, because they don't need to be isolated; they need to be reminded that they're loved and that we're not going to stop loving them because of their behavior. It's still discipline because they're away from their toys (and they do get mad about it, haha). But it's a less harsh form of discipline, because of what they've been through in the past, especially knowing that their behavior can often spike from trauma.

What is the shortest and longest time you had a child? -A. M.

I somewhat explained this in the first question, but for those of you who skimmed that intense info dump, I'll simplify it here. XD Our first little one was the one we had for the shortest amount of time, three weeks. He went home the day before he turned two. In between then and now we had a second little one who was eight months, and we had him for a little over two months. The current little ones we have are nearly two and three, and next month we'll have had them for two years. <3

Thank you for reading, everyone! If you have more questions to ask, the form is still open at the top of this post. You can ask questions completely anonymously, so have no fear! No questions are silly: if you think they are, believe me when I say that you're not the only one who doesn't know much on this subject. ;D Ask away!

do you have experience with the foster system? comment below with your thoughts, whether you do or not! i'd love to hear from you.

Toodeloo, friends!

~Lily May