Hi friends! Today we're going further into your foster care questions again. If you wish, there's still time to ask a question about anything foster care-related; just head on over to the form here. I apologize that this post wasn't done sooner--I'll try to keep on track with these Q&As in the future!
If I have not included your question, it is either because a) I have not gotten to it yet and will be answering it in a future post, or b) there was another question very similar to what you asked, and so for the sake of simplicity, I have combined the two.
**Please note that I'll be discussing some weighty topics here. This is not an easy genre we're delving into. There will be mentions of neglect, abuse, and, obviously, of children being taken from their parents. None of these things are discussed in detail (excepting the last), but if you feel triggered by any of these issues, read with caution.**
The questions will be in bold, answers in regular font. All questions will be anonymous except for those who purposely signed their names in the form. :D
What were your thoughts/reactions when you first knew that your family was going to start foster care?
My first reaction was joy, to be honest. I've always loved little kids, and had a heart for adoption and things like that. I think it also helped that we did a program called Safe Families when I was much younger, and we had taken children in then, too. So it wasn't an entirely new concept to me. Because I was eleven at the time, and because I hadn't experienced much of the pain that also comes through fostering, I'm fairly sure that it was all excitement for me, and I didn't think much about how it would affect our family for the worse or worry about how it would change my life.
What's something you wished you knew before fostering?
I wish I had been prepared for a bit more of the pain that comes from fostering. Not the grief when children leave your home (because honestly, I think my journey would have been much harder if I had been "preparing" myself for grief all along), but the pain that comes from knowing where these kids have been. The reality of many of these kids' pasts is a lot harder to watch than a lot of us realize; and even harder when it's a child that you're trying to connect with and help heal. So many foster kids have trauma from their past, not necessarily from where they used to live, but just from the heartbreak of being taken away from their family, their home, and everything they've ever known. It's hard to watch, and there's no way that it doesn't affect you when you know and love the child.
How long was the process to get certified for foster care and what did that look like?
Our process was a little unique. Normally it takes a matter of months to become fully licensed, but in our case (due to some inefficiency on our former worker's part) it took almost an entire year. In order to become a foster family, there are many hoops we needed to jump through, including mountains of paperwork on my parents' part. Once you're opening your home up for foster care, nothing is a secret--we needed to sign health forms, to have every room of our home inspected, make sure our dog had the correct vaccinations, and put baby locks on nearly every cabinet in our home. It takes a lot of time and energy to get through all of the paperwork (says the girl who didn't have to do any of it...), but eventually, you get your license and the waiting game begins. In our case, we got our first placement about a month after becoming licensed.
What are your top tips for writers who want to portray foster care in their stories?
As a writer myself, I love the thought behind this question. (Thank you to whoever asked it! <3) Foster care is something that I myself have chosen to portray in my stories, because it's influenced so much of my life. So, here are a few tips for writers who want to understand foster care before they write about it:
Find inside knowledge. Talk to someone who knows about foster care from first-hand experience! Most likely, they'll be able to answer your questions in a deeper and more personal way than any search you can do on Google. I myself look up foster care statistics sometimes, and have for these posts--but honestly, hearing someone's first-hand experience hits way, way harder than a bunch of numbers on a screen. This person could be a current or former foster child, a foster parent (or sibling!), or even someone whose family has dealt with the heartbreak of losing children to the foster system. Find someone who is willing to be open with you about their experiences. You'll learn a lot!
"Happy" endings aren't always realistic. How does your story end? Maybe the character in foster care ends up getting adopted, or going back to his/her original family. That's great--and a lot of good can come from those resolutions! But please be aware of the ongoing consequences of trauma like these kids have been through. Adoption is, truly, a happy ending--but that doesn't mean that everything will always be easy-peasy. Most likely, the child will suffer life-long from grief, trauma, or behavioral issues because of what they've been through. Just because they're adopted does not mean that their insecurity won't stick around. Even in their first years of life, the separation of children from their parents can do harm to kids' brains that doesn't go away and that even years of love and care cannot simply undo. I've witnessed this first-hand with my brothers, and it's heartbreaking.
What the kids want isn't always what you might think. A child's instinct is to love their parents...the people they've been around since day one. You would be surprised at how strong that bond really is, even if the child has been abused or neglected. For foster kids, many of them want their biological parents back; and they continue to love them and love their presence, even if they have experienced abuse or hunger because of them. Not every situation is the same, but in most cases, these kids truly love their parents. It's not something to be taken lightly.
Do you think anyone can foster?
This is a good question, and one that I'm excited to answer. No, I don't believe anyone can foster. Nor do I believe that everyone should foster. God has given us all different desires and gifts, and put us all in different stages of life. For some people, it's not feasible to become part of the foster care world. Others physically cannot care for children in that capacity. And even for those who are able to foster, not all are called to. Again, God has given us different callings to serve him, and that's the beauty of his calling. Foster care is not the only way to serve Jesus, or the most important way!!
I believe that it's important to be aware of what foster care is, and I think that it's important to be willing to walk alongside those in the midst of it. But I don't think that everyone is called to it. For those that are called to it, though, please realize that it's a beautiful calling. It's hard, yes, but it's worth it; because you are serving your King in a wonderful way.
Thank you for reading! If you have any additional questions after reading this post, either slap them in the comments, or fill out the super short form at the beginning of this post to send me any questions that you have. :D The form is anonymous, unless you desire your name to be shared.
are you enjoying these q&a posts? would you like to see more of them? do you have experience with the foster care system, or know someone who does?
Toodeloo, friends!
~Lily May
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